Finding God in All Things and Spiritualism

Last night, I was listening to the radio. There was a girl telling a story about her and her boyfriend that they are in conflict. However, this girl said that God must have arranged all for her and her boyfriend. So, she would just let it go and happen as God’s will. It seems good to think of God in that kind of situation. But, is it really good to always identify everything with the will of God? Can God really be found in everything?

Finding God in all things is a good thing to do. There is, however, a danger to fall into spiritualism. So, what is the difference? When you try to identify everything you experienced with God or spiritual things, you fall into spiritualism. The Pharisees in Jesus era was one example of those who fall into it. They almost always criticized whatever Jesus and his disciples did and connected it with the Ten Commandments or The Torah. In this country, the Philippines, the chance for someone to fall into spiritualism much bigger because every day and every time, people here are nourished with spiritual things. They are so spiritual that almost all things are associated with the plan of God. The danger of it is that we may forget that we are given freedom to choose. God’s will is not always absolute. If we are so absorbed to the spiritualism, we will always think that everything is planned well by God and there is nothing to do with our will. In fact, God’s will and our freedom have 100% in the accomplishment of whatever we do and in whatever happens to us.

Now, what does it mean to find God in all things? It means to separate and distinguish human experiences with the divine one. In the divine experiences or experience of God, we will find God. That is Finding God in all things. We can’t say that all experiences we have are divine experiences. Therefore, to avoid falling into spiritualism, we should be able to distinguish human experiences and divine one.

Sand in Your Hand

Love is like sand in your hand. The more you try to grasp it and posses it, the more you will lose it. Squeeze and you will spill it. But, hold it loosely and it will remain there.

In love and any kind of relationship, the more you try to grasp it tightly and possesively, the more you'll lose it and spill it. So, hold it loosely with respect and freedom for the other person, and your love and relationship will remain intact.

Discipuli Christi

When Jesus called his disciples, he called those who were close to Him (or at least want to be close to Him) and those who are eager to be sent for mission. Moreover, they are called into a community to build each other. We, Jesuits, are Jesus’ disciple of the present time. What does it mean to be Jesus’ disciple for the present time?

First of all, we are called to be close to Jesus himself. To be disciples and companions of Jesus, we need to be close to our leader Jesus, so that we can move and act accordingly to the movement and action of our leader. To be close to him help us to understand God’s will easily for that’s our aim in life and Jesus always did the will of God. Moreover, Jesus Himself who chose us and it’s not we who chose Him, just like the disciples did. We might not be very close to Him, for sure. But, that’s not important. The more important thing is whether we are willing to open ourselves to be closer to him or not. To be the real disciples, we have to open ourselves to be closer to Him. Peter, the leader of the disciples, in his early discipleship was not close to Jesus anyway. But, eventually he was, for he was willing to open Himself to be changed and to be closer to Him.

Secondly, to be Jesus’ disciples is to be sent for mission. It means that we are to be dispersed in small groups or even individuals. We are supposed to leave the warmness of our community and engage the danger and risk of mission. In this case, availability to be sent and moved everywhere is needed. Availability is an engagement to the vows of poverty and obedience.

Thirdly, we are called to a community. Community is part of our mission as Jesuits. Beside to be called to a mission, we are called also to build a community, where we gain the confirmation of our mission. We bring and share the consolation and desolation we get from the mission to the community. By sharing and exchanging experiences, we confirm each other’s vocation.

Simple is Beautiful

(reflection on Home Stay in Marikina)

This Christmas has been one of my best times in my Juniorate Program and one of the best Christmas in my life. One of its reasons is the Christmas Exposure in Marikina. This exposure made me learn more about Filipino, especially those of middle class. I learnt about how they spend their daily life during the Christmas and New Year’s break and about how simple but happy they are.

At first, I couldn’t feel the spirit of Christmas her in the Philippines. The secularity of Christmas and a lot of fun in the way people here celebrate Christmas have tarnished the spirit of Christmas on me. I was tired of many celebrations, funs and pleasures even far before the Christmas itself came.

The Christmas exposure, however, has turned my Christmas upside down. I stayed in a family with five members, all women. I felt like in my family, which are almost all women. They treated me very well also, as I am one of the members of the family. They also made me happy out of their happiness. When I went there I didn’t have that happiness. But, staying made me posses that happiness. On the first day, I spent one afternoon celebrating Christmas in the chapel. I was very happy playing and enjoying time with them. Before, I didn’t posses that happiness, that joy. Then, I realized that I liked the children very much. They have happiness and they shared to me. What a simple celebration but full of happiness!

One thing that me happy staying with the family is their simplicity. If they want, they can have a quite luxurious life. But, they only live their life simply. They also celebrate Christmas and New Years in simple way: not too much decoration, some foods, and drinks. It’s simple but enjoyable. And, I had a good time there.

Sometimes, I felt bored there. As I reflected on it, I realized that it was because during the Christmas and its preparation, I didn’t feel much the happiness and spirit of Christmas. I did have a lot of fun, but almost no joy. Since then, I began to distinguish fun and joy. I think what people here do for celebrating Christmas is more on fun. Joy and true happiness shall come from within. One thing that I couldn’t bear is that I missed my family, which was eventually a little bit filled by that stay in Marikina. Another thing is that I couldn’t bear the way people here celebrating Christmas. It was so noisy and almost identical with a lot of food, singing, dancing, and such. I don’t like them. But, I did like the one we had as community for Christmas, New Year and Kris Kringle. However, once more, this dislike was cured also by my stay in Marikina. My family celebrated the Christmas and New Year in a quite simple way. There was no noise and only few singing, dancing and drinking. I did appreciate this stay although its impression is not as deep as the one I had in Navotas.

Blessed are You, Poor…

A small reflection on Navotas Exposure

I stayed in Escarial Family, just next to Alex’s family. We are in the same big family name: Escarial, but my mother is Nora while his is Vilma. There are eleven of them in my family, Mr. Bokbok and Mam Nora, with seven children (Rhuel, Romel, Roli, Runa, Rosell, Anying, and Aron), a daughter-in-law, Bebe and one grandson, Romer. We live in Pitong Gatang, an area in the seaside. Our house is above the sea, with the dirty water full of garbage below us. It’s quite different from what I had imagined before, yet better. I have a special room for myself and there is a CR, even if it’s in the same room with kitchen. It’s good enough for me.

My Family live on gathering sea shells and on fishing. And they seem not to be bothered or disappointed when their source of living was washed away by the typhoon. This great attitude amazed me and made me reflect that they may have realized that God will provide for them their daily need. It is God who gives them seashells for their living, so it will be alright if He takes it. From this evidence I really feel that God is close to them. He is in their daily life. I can also find God’s presence through their kindness in welcoming me. They have no fear and no worry in accepting me to their house. Their courtesy is amazing, that they want to give the best to me, even if they almost cannot afford it. As soon as I arrived to the house, my mother asked me what my favorite foods are. Then, I was invited to go with her to the market to buy some fishes and meat for dishes. Then, almost everyday I was given some food that I like such as chicken, fish, pork, and so on. Their willingness to give even though they don’t have enough for them always amazes me. It shows me the presence of God in their daily life. Through the recollection we held on Monday, October, 30^th, I also discover that most of the children are aware of God’s presence in their lives. They have simple yet deep reflections about it, and it flows through their attitude and faith. The longer I stayed with them, the deeper I fell that they aren’t poor. On the contrary, they are rich in kindness, in generosity, in faith, and in spirit. From their faith, I learn that they really believe in God’s providence for they seem not to be worried about tomorrow. One thing I noticed is that when I stayed with them, I never saw Mr. Bokbok went for gathering seshells, yet there is still something for us to eat. This is amazing. Where did those foods come from? This faith also made them not to be too worried when their source of living was washed away by the typhoon. What a great faith.

I had no special assignment for my family from the PPF. My own agenda was to experience their poverty and learn from their faith. My fear before this exposure is only that I cannot eat Filipino food and I might disappoint them. But, that didn’t come true. I could eat what they gave me. Even for me they cooked better than Arrupe cook do. Actually, I couldn’t really experience their poverty, for they always tried to give the best for me. I can’t say that they are poor because they have electricity, television, DVD player and sound system. They have a small shop (sari-sari store). But, I have a great experience of their richness, their abundant love and kindness.

At first, I felt not very comfortable with the house and the surroundings, but the kindness of the family members give me a good feeling. Soon I felt at home and comfortable. Everyone is kind and welcoming me. Although their English is limited, but they tried to speak to me in English as they can. Even two youngest children, Anying and Aron, kept asking me in Tagalog for they didn’t know that I can’t speak Tagalog. I used to play with them, and learn how to speak Tagalog a little from them. As my family is away, I also felt as they are my family and as I am still young, they also treat me as one of their children (their eldest children is 20). The problem of language is one of the problems that I had there. Yet I can still communicate with them, whether by simple English, simple Tagalog or gesture and it made the conversation more funny and interesting. As a result, I learned some new Tagalog words and forms of speech.

One girl in our neighborhood seemed to be interested in me. She told me that she liked me and asked me not to be a priest. I said thank you that I am still lovable, but I still wanted to be a priest. For me, so far nothing is bigger than my desire to be a priest. But, I am also aware of that kind of temptation and need of such affection in my mind. Therefore, I said thanks to her for loving me. But, it’s not because of her that I started this journey, so that it’ll not because of her that I will stop. It’s because of God that I started this way of vocation, so that for His reason only I will stop.

For me, this experience is the second one. When I was in Minor Seminary, I once stayed with a poor family in a village. This kind of experiences helps me to understand in a better way and closer observation the poverty around me, how they live it and how can I do a mission to them. Such poverty can be only felt by experiencing and being involved in it. This experience helps me build the sense of sympathy towards the poor, so that I know how to help them. Different kind of poor people have different struggles and problems. Those in Navotas, I think, are struggling against nature, for example typhoon, which is very significant to their lives; against the rich because they are aware that they are poor when the rich don’t want to share their richness. But, I learn also that they have love, faith and hope. They love others above all, they have faith that God will provide for them, and they have hope that in the future their life will be better. These love, faith and hope make me surer that I can help them, that I should have hope and faith also, just like them, and above all that I should also have love toward them just as they have loved me during my stay in Navotas.

My Decision to be a Jesuit

To decide what you will be when you grow up is one of the most important think to do in your life because it will affect almost all your life very much and therefore you must prepare it well. At the age of eighteen, I have decided to become a Jesuit priest. It has become one of important decisions I had made. I decided to be a Jesuit priest because of two main reasons: to detach from my family and to live the more challenging and harder life. Since I had decided to be a priest, there were two kinds of priest orders for me to choose. One is Diocesan priest and another one is Jesuit priest. At that time, these are the only kinds of priest orders I have known.

For me, to be a priest is to serve totally God through others. Therefore, it is very important for me to detach from all kinds of attachments in order to be able to serve better. Since I realized that one of my biggest attachments is family, it will be very helpful for me to concentrate better if I can detach from my family. Diocesan priests are usually local priests, working more often in parish or in some categorical ministry. While Jesuit is an international order that allows me work in many distant places, even overseas. That’s why I choose to be a Jesuit and not diocesan.

I found that being a diocesan priest is not challenging enough for me. I can only work in a diocese, while Jesuits may be sent to many places and many countries. Diocesan’s lives also seem too easy and glorious. They enjoy having many things a good position in hierarchy. In other hand, I found Jesuit’s way of life is more challenging. They live in a different way of life, harder and more difficult. They are also sent to many places and countries.

So far, it has been two years since I joined the Society of Jesus and I really found the challenges that I had hoped before I joined her. I also find that I can really detach from my family better than before that I can concentrate on my study, my prayer and my life as a Jesuit.

This decision has also had many effects in my life, two of which are that I have become more independent and mature in enduring life and I have found more challenges in the Society of Jesus; however, becoming a Jesuit also makes me incapable of meeting my family as often as before.

One effect I have found after I had decided to become a Jesuit is that I become more independent and mature in enduring life. Being detached from my family has demanded me to live independently and decide everything by myself. It is a good effect for me since I have been hoping that I be able to be an independent person. That very reason made me choose to become Jesuit. By the discernment, the main way to make decision in the Society of Jesus, I can decide everything according to the way of life of Jesuits in which I am being incorporated.

As another effect, I have also found more challenges, something I look for by joining the Society of Jesus. In study, I have been challenged to find my own way of study and to be able and available to be sent for study wherever the Society wants me to go. In apostolate, works and helping peoples, which are the main ministry of Jesuits, I have been challenged to learn how to help people, to works as the member of the Society and to do apostolic works. I have looked for these challenges and I have found it in the Society of Jesus. This reason also made me choose the Society to join with.

However, joining the Society of Jesus has also an uncomfortable effect for me. Ii has made me incapable of meeting my family as often as before because becoming a Jesuit has demanded me to be detached from my family, physically and affectively. Physically, I have been and will be far from family for years. Affectively, I have to be detached from remembering now and after my family so that my study, apostolate and life in the Society will not be disturbed. However, I am sure that my family still and will always support me, especially by their prayer.

I consider all of these effects not as advantages and disadvantages or the goal and the risk but as a choice. The whole choice demands me to take the good effect as well as the uncomfortable one. So, my decision and choice to be a Jesuit includes these effects in it. For me, there is nothing to be regretted because I have chosen this choice. Now, it is time to look forward towards my goal, my future.

Apostolate and Community Life

It has been more than three months since I joined the Musmos Cubao Apostolate. So, for me now it’s a good time to reflect how far I have been going and what I can get form this kind of apostolate. At first, I still couldn’t appreciate this kind of apostolate for there I can do nothing but playing with the kids and giving them the food we had cooked. But, being with them for three months, I learn many things from them and I feel that I had a good time playing with and talking to them.

At the first place, I learn that apostolate is not about giving something such as lecture or catechism, but mostly about being there (presence) and learn from those we are with. When one of us once was absent from this apostolate, many of the kids asked about him. They missed him so much. From that, I learn how important is our presence there for the kids. It makes me think and reflect on my community life that in community life I often neglect to pay attention whether someone is present or not. I usually ignore this important aspect of building a better community life. The problem is that I only pay attention on myself.

Secondly, I learn about fear and worry. At the first time I came to Cubao and meet the kids, I feel that they were so nice. They can easily go with me and they asked me to play with them as if they had known me for a long time. They have no fear, no worry, and no suspiciousness, whereas I was so afraid at that time that I wouldn’t be accepted in that area (Cubao). It makes me reflect also that often I still have fear and worry if I am going to be in a new community, and have suspiciousness when I meet new faces. That’s not the way of Jesuits for Jesuits must be available to be sent to any place at any time.

Thirdly, I learn something from our collaboration with the Musmos Group. Sometimes, after the kids were gone, we had some sharing. In this sharing, we usually share our burden, difficulties, haplessness, or desolation and our happiness, joy, or consolation as well. By this kind of sharing, we can confirm and encourage each other in order to give and receive, to lighten and to be lightened. This is also one aspect that should be in community life. To build a better community life, sharing meeting are needed, especially in order to lighten and be lightened.

The last, it’s not fair if I really do nothing or make no attempts for the kids in my apostolate. So far, I have learnt some Tagalog words and I want to learn more in the next semester so that I can talk and communicate more to the kids. That’s effort from my side, so that I can give but in the same time also receive.

Indefinite Formation

Today, Fr. Manny Flores, SJ and Fr. Ted Gonzales, SJ pronounced their final vows. It was a simple but great and solemn celebration led by Fr. Daniel Patrick Huang, SJ, the Provincial of Society of Jesus in Phillipines Province. In 1976, they joined the Society and only after twenty eight years, they finish their formations.

As I reflect on this occasion, I look at my vocation, and I see a long pathway leading to my final vows and to the end of my life. I cannot esteem how long my formation will be. Before my first vows, I was told that I was going to be sent to Pillipines for Juniorate program which means my formation wil be one year longer than thos in my batch who do not experience the Juniorate. That made me quite sad and upset, but I try to make up my mind that I might find new experinces in the Phllipines. It was four months ago. Now, as I reflect on my first three months here, I find that it’s not about how long my formation will be, but it is about how generous I am to the Society and the people, how deep I internalize the values and way of life of the Society, and how mature I am in study, apostolate, prayer and community life.

I belong to the Society though I haven’t wholly accepted, but maybe I havne’t had the sense of belonging to the Society. Therefore, formation will be my time to learn how to have this sense of belonging. Then as Fr. Manny said in his words after his vows, I can aslo say in my final vows that I belong to the Society and she belongs to me.

It’s not About Knowing, it’s About Experiencing

Now Herod the tetrarch heard about all that was going on. And he was perplexed, because some were saying that John had been raised from the dead, others that Elijah had appeared, and still others that one of the prophets of long ago had come back to life. But Herod said, "I beheaded John. Who, then, is this I hear such things about?" And he tried to see him.

Herod only knew about Jesus from people saying who Jesus is. He didn’t’ know and experienced exactly who Jesus is, but he wanted to know who Jesus is. In catechism and Sunday school, I was taught and told that Jesus is the Good Shepherd, Bread of Life, the Way, the Truth and the Life, Jesus loves us, etc, but I didn’t really experience who Jesus is. For a long time, I had belived in people’s saying about Him. And I want to not only know but also experience who for me Jesus is.

Since I joined the Society of Jesus, I have been supposed to experience God. In my exposure, I always tried to experience God in many ways. I found that God for me is everything. He have been my friend, formator, savior, and companion, but in other hand, sometimes I feel he also disappoint me, make me angry or upset, and in a certain sense torture me only because I can’t understand his way of educating me. This new understanding and experience makes me realize that the true faith comes from this kind of experience, not from what people say. I experience God’s love after I recalled and encountered my past life and found that through my family and people surround me, He loves me.

I am Sick

It has been two weeks I got sick. And now it become worse. I have tried to stop smoking, but my cough and flu still go on. I have been frustrated by them. However, Itry to find something beyond this sickness that God may want to say something to me.

Healing Apostolate

Twice already I experienced that my apostolate healed me from my sickness. They joy and happiness it brought to me trough playing with the kids really made me getting better. Yet I realize more that my effort to 'heal' make result on my healing also.