It’s not About Knowing, it’s About Experiencing

Now Herod the tetrarch heard about all that was going on. And he was perplexed, because some were saying that John had been raised from the dead, others that Elijah had appeared, and still others that one of the prophets of long ago had come back to life. But Herod said, "I beheaded John. Who, then, is this I hear such things about?" And he tried to see him.

Herod only knew about Jesus from people saying who Jesus is. He didn’t’ know and experienced exactly who Jesus is, but he wanted to know who Jesus is. In catechism and Sunday school, I was taught and told that Jesus is the Good Shepherd, Bread of Life, the Way, the Truth and the Life, Jesus loves us, etc, but I didn’t really experience who Jesus is. For a long time, I had belived in people’s saying about Him. And I want to not only know but also experience who for me Jesus is.

Since I joined the Society of Jesus, I have been supposed to experience God. In my exposure, I always tried to experience God in many ways. I found that God for me is everything. He have been my friend, formator, savior, and companion, but in other hand, sometimes I feel he also disappoint me, make me angry or upset, and in a certain sense torture me only because I can’t understand his way of educating me. This new understanding and experience makes me realize that the true faith comes from this kind of experience, not from what people say. I experience God’s love after I recalled and encountered my past life and found that through my family and people surround me, He loves me.

Wounded Healer

(a small reflection on movie Fisher King)

Everybody has traumatic experiences or wounds, either painful or not. To live a better life, one must heal his wounds by accepting weaknesses, forgiving those who made the wounds, and feeling forgiven for his big mistakes. I am also a wounded person. It means I am a weak person. How can I help people while I myself need help? This question made me uncertain that I can help people with so many wounds in my life. But, then I reflect on Jesus’ life. He was wounded and killed but precisely it is by his wounds all human beings are healed. He is the wounded healer.

I realize that my life should be like Jesus’ life. I was wounded by my past experience but I have been healed by Jesus through his wounds. I was healed by integrating my wounds with Jesus’. And now, it is my mission to help people as I have been helped by Jesus through others.

Some people may have the same problems or traumatic experiences (wounds). It will easier for them to solve the problem or heal the wounds together. There must be people who have the same problem or wounds as mine. Once my wounds have been healed, I can help others who have the same or similar problem (wounds). By sharing my experience and my witness, we can also help each other conquer problems and heal wounds.

Jack and Parry were wounded persons. But, by their wounds they healed each other. From being weak persons, they become strong persons because they help each other. Each of them fills the emptiness in his friend and they become whole. Jack is less, Parry is less, but together they are more.

I also recognize and understand my ministry as a wounded healer. I helped others because I have been helped by others and I would be helped more by others. Every time I went to Cubao for Musmos postulate, I always had a great desire to help the children there find their meaning of life, forget their bad experiences and heal their wounds. I always hoped that I can really help them. But, then I realize that it is me who was helped by them. They healed also my wounds that I can forget my worries and enjoy playing with them. We helped each other because the children and I realize that we need each other. No one feels more important than others. Therefore, equality is also needed in making such relationship work.

My Precious

(a small reflection on movie Ray)

There is a joke about what the most important thing in human life is.

Five Jews changed the way we look at things:

• Moses: The Law is everything




• Jesus: Love is everything
  




• Marx: Money is everything




• Freud: Sex is everything




• Then came Einstein: Everything is relative.

There are many precious things in my life, including life itself. Life is the first and biggest grace and gift from God. But, life is not the most precious one as Jesus himself have said, ”For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it”. And, as a Jesuit, I was also told that life is only a means to attain the goal, not the goal itself.

The second biggest grace to me is faith which makes my life is much more meaningful and not futile. What’s a life worth if there is no guarantee in the afterlife. But, thanks be to God, by faith in Jesus and his Church, at least I have a part in eternal life. How precious my life is because of faith and how precious faith is. I also consider that faith is more precious than life. Faith saves me, but life without faith has no meaning. If I was forced to choose between life and faith, I would choose the last one even though I have to lose my life. But, how about those who because of some reasons have no faith in Jesus and the Church? Are their lives still precious? This question makes me think once more about this. Indeed, their lives are still precious for some of them have love and they live their lives better than those who plead they have faith. Therefore, faith is not everything.

Is love everything just like what Jesus said? For a long time, I have thought so. But, then a story changed my mind. The story is about a couple of husband and wife who strictly supported anti-abortion. But, then a problem hit them. They had twin fetuses in the wife’s womb. One was female and another one is male. There was a problem with female fetus that could cause danger to the other fetus and the mother. Doctors suggested they abort the female fetus. After a long consideration, they decided to keep the baby alive. When the time came for the wife to give birth, the babies were born successfully. But, Anne, the female baby could only stay alive for 6 hours. However, her parents made a surprising decision to donor her organs to other babies who needed them to live longer. They called her as a heroine for her six-hour life had saved others’ lives. She doesn’t have love, but her life has a meaning. And, that’s more important than life, than faith, and than other things. Of course, her parents have the love that make she become a heroine for others.

Actually, this story makes me confused about the most precious thing in my life. Is it love or the meaning of life? After a long vacillation, I found that the one which must be my precious thing is the meaning of life because love itself gives my life meaning and love is always needed to make my life more meaningful.

So far, I found that the meaning of life is about self-giving as Jesus came to the world only to give himself to human beings. Following Jesus’ example, who gave himself out of love, I also considered self-giving as the most precious thing in my life. And, it will be quite easy to do if I have love.

For me, this idea looks very abstract. I am not sure I can really to do this. But, I hope so. At least, I have desire to do so. For me, in this time, it’s enough to have such desire to love and give myself as the most precious thing in my life.

TRUST

(a small reflection on movie I am David)

To trust is to give a secret or something important and valuable to someone else and to ask for the other’s responsibility for them. The reason for trusting others is that someone can’t do everything by himself. He needs other people to help him, and for that, he needs to be sure that these people aren’t going to betray him. But, others also need to be sure that this person is also trustworthy so that by helping him, he may also help them.

Regarding the need of human being to trust others and to be trusted, it is very important for everyone to prove that he is trustworthy. This effort has become the most important thing in the world since human beings realize that good relationship with other people is unavoidable and, in fact, absolutely needed. Even among criminals, there is also a need of trusting and being trusted.

Unavoidably, I was born into this world, where trust is valuable and esteemable. So, willingly or not, I must build my trustworthiness in order to survive and live better. This awareness has been nurtured since my childhood. My parents always admonished me whenever I proved to be untrustworthy. Since that time, becoming a trustworthy man has been my effort to help people and mainly to be helped by others.

Some people are dishonest and not genuine, especially when they put an effort to be trusted by others. They cover up their weaknesses and pretend to be perfect in almost everything. They hope people will trust them very much. Some people may trust them for their good appearance. But, once people know their authenticity, especially what they covered with boasts and pretences, people will not trust them any more. In the movie I am David, this kind of person was represented by the baker David met. Toward David, he pretended to be courteous and kind to cover his suspiciousness. He pretended to want to give David bread in order to give him up to the police. But, fortunately, David knew his lie and trusted him no more.

The movie I am David also showed an other way of being trusted. That is to be honest and genuine. One of the people included in this group is Sophia. She was really kind and nice in an unfeigned way. When she saw David, she told him her impression on him, whether it’s good or not. Knowing that Sophia was honest and unlike the baker wore no mask, he began to trust her bit by bit. Sometimes, like the baker, I also pretend to be good, nice and sinless to make people trust me. But, then I realized that it makes everything worse for people wouldn’t trust me any more if they know the truth. For me, the second way is the best and I will try to do so. I will be honest to people, especially to the Society, about my strengths and weaknesses. Besides, I will also try to cover my weaknesses, not by boasts and pretences but by hard effort to accomplish whatever people entrust on me. Then, it is up to them to trust me or not.

There are some people untrustworthy. But more people are trustworthy.

Letter to all Juniors

CURIA PRAEPOSITI GENERALIS SOCIETATIS IESU

TO ALL JUNIORS,

Dear Brothers,

On this good occasion, I would like to write a letter for all of you Juniors in the Society of Jesus, wherever you are. There is no special purpose for it, but I think it is good to write a letter to you all. In this letter, I would like to give you a further understanding on who you are and what your role in the Society should be. Knowing your identity and your role will guide you in living in your community and in the Society. I am sure that your directors have given the explanation and description about who you are, your goals, and how to attain them. But, I would like to emphasize some things.

The importance of this letter is to help you know your position and role in the body of the Society. It is important to know yourself and your role in order to make better discernments in your life. As you know, our body has many different parts and each part has its function, its role, and its uniqueness. A problem in one of those parts will affect other parts and the whole body. Our Society is like our body. Jesus is our head or our leader. And each of us takes a part in the whole body. Each of us takes different but important roles in the whole body of the Society. That’s why we cannot say someone’s membership is more important than someone else’s. All of us have the same importance in the Society. Our apostolic, academic and spiritual lives are connected to each other. One’s role in the Society will also be affected by other members. That is Master Ignatius’ view of the body of the Society of Jesus.

In this letter, I will focus on who you are, where you are going, and what you should do. Further, based on your own reflection, you may wish to find your own way of reading the ideas in this letter.

Who Are You in The Society?

Most of you come directly from Novitiate after you have pronounced your first vows. And, some of you however will do your juniorate program after philosophical study. Coming fresh from the Novitiate makes you the newest member of the Society. You are the youngest among those in the Society who have pronounced vows. Being the youngest doesn’t mean being the least on experience and the worst in doing mission. But, for some of you it means so. When I was a junior, sometimes I felt that my seniors look down on me. But, then I realized that we are the same in the Society. We come from the same Spiritual Exercises. We are under the same founder, our father Ignatius. We live the same vowed life together. All of us are the sons of the Society, parts of the whole body. The only difference is that ones join before the others and we have different roles. But, the life in Society of Jesus is of the same importance.

One makes the Juniorate program after Novitiate. There, Juniors are supposed to undertake special studies, mostly in the humaniora as preparation for their philosophy studies. The Juniorate program bridges the two-year Novitiate and philosophical studies. There will be a pretty big cultural shock in this transition time for you are going to see the same world but now with a new point of view.

Young members are usually full of idealism for they come fresh from the Novitiate with all the idealism of being a good Jesuit is nurtured. After the Novitiate, it is the time for you to see the world with a new viewpoint, which will be different from before. From idealism, you come into realism. And you will be somehow disappointed knowing that that your idealism is different from the reality you are now in.

Where are you going?

Academically, you are going to study philosophy after your juniorate. Apostolically, you are going to prepare for your future that you will be sent for mission. Spiritually, you are going to live your vows, actualized in you daily life. And, you are supposed to integrate these things in your life. It means you are going to live your academic, apostolic and spiritual life all together within the vows you have taken. Therefore, you will need the other members of the Society to help you to do it. In this case, you will really need the good example of your seniors for you do slowly be incorporated by the Society, even as you incorporate yourself into the body of the Society. But, your seniors may not give good examples that may make disappoint you. You know that what you learn from your seniors will affect very much your being Jesuit. And you may wonder how to be good Jesuits if you don’t see any good examples.

The identity of a Jesuit is a man on a mission. And, your mission in juniorate program is to study to prepare yourself well for philosophical or other studies, to maintain the spiritual life you have gained in your Novitiate, and to train yourselves for some apostolic work. But, your community is also your mission. You are going to find your role in your community because that too is your role in the Society.

For Your Reflection

As a young member you may demand more to the Society of Jesus and her members. You demand them to give you good examples and to be generous to you as the youngest in the Society. But, actually, to be a Jesuit is to give, more than to demand. Therefore, although you are the youngest in the Society, it is your mission to give to your community a good example too. Realizing that your lives may have good effects on the others, you shouldn’t hesitate to remind the older members of the Society if they do something wrong. We make mistakes not only when we do something bad but also when we do not do something good. It will be terrible if you do nothing or even followed their unfair examples.

As you reflect on this letter, you may find your own way of proceeding which is good for you in facing this situation. It will be very different for each of you, depending on your understanding of yourself and your community. At the end of this letter, I suggest you to ask yourself what I can do for the Society and not what I will receive from the Society. Keep on reflecting!

Rome, August 23^rd, 2006

Your friend in the Lord

Agustinus Wahyu Dwi Anggoro

What is Life?

(a small reflection on movie The River Runs Trough It)

It was after my pilgrimage (peregrination) when I recognized life as a journey or pilgrimage. I reflected that my pilgrimage was a symbol for my life itself. What I found and experienced in my pilgrimage seemed to have implications in my life.

The main thing I should have in both the pilgrimage and life is purpose. I can still remember my purpose in my pilgrimage; it was to go to a monastery in Rawaseneng, Central Java. Then, led by that purpose I tried to find my way there. Of course I had a map that showed almost all possible ways to go there. There are many ways to the purpose. There are also many ways to other purposes. Each way has branches. And at every crossroad, I had to choose one leading me to my purpose. In choosing, I needed discernment to lead me to a decision. So, there will be so many discernments and decision in a journey. A wrong discernment will lead me to a wrong decision, and a wrong decision will lead me to a wrong way, and a wrong way will lead me to a wrong purpose. Then, how can I choose the right one? Firstly, I can ask those who know well the ways. Hopefully, they will help me choose the right way. Secondly, I learn from my experiences, especially my mistakes. I learn how I fell in a mistake and then try not to fall in the same mistake. In other words, I learn to know and understand my self and my circumstances. Then, I can make a better choice.

What I see in my life is more or less the same. In the Spiritual Exercises, I found that the purpose of my life is to glorify the Lord and I tried to lead my life to that goal. The Spiritual Exercises also showed me almost all possible ways to gain the purpose. Now, I have chosen one of those ways, being a Jesuit. I think without any clear purpose in this life, we just wander around with no direction. With a certain purpose, we can choose the right, safe and advantageous way. There are many ways and many choices (some are true, some are wrong), and I should choose the right one to attain to my purpose.

Once, I understand life as a struggle (vita est militia). In some cases, it’s true. In the metaphor of life as a journey, I also can find that truth. Without a struggle, a strong desire, and a spirit of not giving up easily, I can’t reach the final purpose. Then, I found a new meaning that life is a series of decision. At each time of our life, I should make decision, purposely or not. The series of decisions means a series of discernment because in making a decision I need discernment. In discernment, I sometimes need others who are experienced in that and know better the way I choose (or am going to choose). Finally, I should know myself and my circumstances. By learning from my mistakes and my experience, I can know myself better. And, then I can make a better decision. Knowing my circumstances can make me choose the better choice for me. A choice that is good for someone will not always good for me. So, I must try to find the better choice for me.

Parental Love of God

(a small reflection on movie Big Fish)

There is no parent who wants their children to suffer in the future. It is said that a parent always does his best for his children. Certainly, this is in the parent’s point of view, but the children usually fail to understand that. It is what happened in Big Fish. Edward tries every attempt to do the best for his boy, Will. But, the best for Ed is not the best for Will. He fails in understanding his father’s good will. He always supposes that his father’s story of life is a useless lie until he himself understands his father’s reason for telling him a story. He realizes this right before he is becoming a father. He begins to understand the truth of what he has supposed as a lie and the use of what he has supposed as useless things.

Not all of what my parents told me and did for me is understandable to me. Sometimes, I really can’t understand why they did this or that for me. As I review my life, I find that many things are understandable after I grew up and when I was helped by such things. Then, I would feel very thankful, very lucky that my parents had done those things to me. For example, when I was a child, my parents used to ask me to help them in their daily work. As a child, I thought that it wasn’t my duty to do such work, but I did it. Then, as I grew up I realized that it was very useful. I became used to works hard, and I didn’t give up easily when I faced a difficult problem. And there are also many things that I had ever supposed as useless things, only to realizthat they are very useful things in my life. Such understanding makes me feel my family’s love toward me. They never said to me that they love me but through what they have done for me, I can see their love.

God is like my parents too. Occasionally, He loves me through such things that aren’t understandable to me. But He does love me. Every now and after, He ‘educates’ me in a way that I feel lika a fool in order to make me strong to face the problems in my life. When he educated me, I often complained about that or that I didn’t what He was doing. But, then when I was able to face many problems, I fell strong enough to stand alone. I feel God’s love. And, I find that most of God’s love comes to me through my parents. Thanks, God.

Hostility and Hospitality

(a small reflection on movie Chöcölat)

In the Chöcölat, there were two sides that are in conflict with each other. One side is represented by Vianne, Annouk, Armenda, Roux, and their friends. They belonged to the law breakers and unfaithful ones, but they lived in happiness and joy. The other side contains the mayor, the priest and most of the members of the town who were faithful and always go to the church. They are law followers, and even though they lived within the boundaries of the law and they aren’t free to do the many things they want and because of this they aren’t happy in their lives.

The two sides have their own extreme ways of life. The mayor and his groups live under the law of the church. But, they are bound by the law so that they can’t move freely. The mayor, as the ‘leader’ of the group, wants all the members of the town to join his way of life. In the beginning, he welcomes Vianne to his town. This act shows his hospitality. But, when he sees that his attempt shows no result, his hospitality turns into hostility. He tries to influence the entire town to enter into conflict with Vianne and her chocolate shop. At first, this seems to succeed. But, step by step, the members of the town begin to know that chocolate is delicious and there’s no reason to reject it. Then, it’s the beginning of Vianne’s victory.

The second extreme way of life is showed by Vianne’s life. Vianne and friends live freely and don’t want to go to church. She neglects the law of the church (mostly because of her ignorance) and opens a chocolaterie in Lent. But, she helps many people with her chocolates. An old woman finds happiness in her chocolaterie and renews her relationship with her grandson. A husband discovers his romanticism with his wife with Vianne’s chocolate. And old man finds his love with the help of Vianne’s chocolate. Vianne herself finds Roux as her love because of the chocolate. Her hospitality in accepting everyone helps her help many people in their lives.

For me, Vianne’s hospitality comes from her self-acceptance. She is able to accept herself as she is, her past, her background, her destiny. With this, she feels free to accept the other people come into her life and to help them. In contrast, the mayor isn’t able to accept himself, his disability, his failure (in family life) and so on. He tries to find other’s mistakes, not his. He is therefore unable to accept other people came to his life.

How can we turn our hostility into hospitality? By self acceptance. We must try to accept ourselves and this can transform our hostility into hospitality.

Both the mayor and Vianne express their charity in their own unique way. The mayor always reminds his people to do their duties. I think it is a good way to love others. The mayor has a good and pure intention; it is to help others to be faithful and not neglect their duties and responsibilities. His attempt to forbid Vianne from opening her chocolaterie shows his attention on his people. He doesn’t want his people being disturbed during Lent by the chocolaterie. But, this great charity is colored by his conflict with Vianne. It is this that makes his way of loving seems bad.

Vianne has her own way of loving; it is by accepting people as they are and as many as she can. To the people who come to her chocolaterie, she will welcome them. She gives them their freedom to choose what they want (for example their favorite chocolate) and to do whatever they wish. This way of loving doesn’t have any bad effect on anyone. Even the mayor at last realizes his mistake and Vianne’s good intention.

I reflect that in our way of charity, especially in our community life, we should combine these two ways of charity. To our friends, in our community, it is good to appreciate their freedom, their wish, and their will to do whatever they want. But, it is more important to remind them about their duties, their compulsory, and their responsibilities.

Loneliness and Solitude

(a small reflection on movie Lost in Translation)

Like Bob and Charlotte, I sometimes also experience loneliness. I think everyone must have experienced loneliness, even those who are very happy in life. I feel lonely especially when I am in a new place, or in a new community, and when I met new peoples. In these, it seemed that I had no friend. It is what Bob and Charlotte (in Lost in Translation) feel when they are in Japan and had no one to be their friend. Finally, they met in the hotel bar and became a match for one another. They became friends.

What I really feel in AIR is more or less the same. When I came here, I really fell welcomed by the members of this community. I was impressed by their kindness and generosity in welcoming us. But, beside that, I also found myself alone. I was put in a different building from the two other friends of mine. Yes, I could find other Malaysian and East Timorese who can speak Bahasa in Building D where my room is located. But, still I found no friend who had the same struggle and difficulties as I had. So, it is no wonder that the other Indonesian Juniors and I often gather to speak Bahasa, and to do something together. By gathering and meeting each other (among three of us), we could share our difficulties, our struggles which are more or less the same. By sharing these, my burden, struggle, and difficulties are lessened and lightened. Sharing was also what Bob and Charlotte did when they found themselves in the same problem. Then, they also found that by sharing it, they could lessen, lighten it.

When I found no one to whom I can share my problem and struggle, then I remember that there is one who would be so pleased to listen to me. It’s God. In this case, God is the best. He would listen to me patiently, He would keep my secret, and he would lessen and lighten my burden though I don’t know it. In this case, God seems to give no solution. But, actually, he gives the best solution, much better than the other solutions my friends give me. I realized that when I am in a problem, I remember him and I believed that he will give me the best answer to my question.

When I turn to God and share my feelings, problems, and whatever else I have experienced, I have successfully turned my loneliness into solitude. In the loneliness, we might find no one but ourselves. But, in the solitude, we find both God and ourselves.

I am Sick

It has been two weeks I got sick. And now it become worse. I have tried to stop smoking, but my cough and flu still go on. I have been frustrated by them. However, Itry to find something beyond this sickness that God may want to say something to me.

Healing Apostolate

Twice already I experienced that my apostolate healed me from my sickness. They joy and happiness it brought to me trough playing with the kids really made me getting better. Yet I realize more that my effort to 'heal' make result on my healing also.

Seize The Day

(a small reflection on movie Dead Poet’s Society)

For me, the main message of the movie Dead Poet’s Society is Carpe diem (seize the day). I think these words came from Descartes, an old Greek philosopher. These words sound like “enjoy this day, don’t worry about your uncertain future and forget your bad past”. But, in our Christian point of view, it sounds like “live your moment, be thankful of every moment you have, or something like that”.

Henry J.M Nouwen wrote in his book that everyday is special, different from other days. This special day could be bad or good. Everyday God gives us our daily needs, he gives us graces we need for the day. We will find out the difference and the special moment of everyday, if we always try to find God in our very day and try to draw a meaning from our days. It’s one way to be thankful for God’s gifts. In this case, seizing the day means drawing a meaning from everything that happens, either good or bad, so that we can thank to God for everything we get.

Neil and his friends, in Dead Poet’s Society found the liberty and freedom they had never found before when they entered the high school. They were free from their parents who always controlled them. They also found a creative, future thought, and a pleasant teacher. The teacher always suggests that they seize the day. He would like to say that the liberty they have must be used properly, the long youth must be filled with many useful things. Although Neil had done many good and useful things, such as establishing the Dead Poet’s Society with his friend, and participating in the School Theater, he finally couldn’t help himself and killed himself when he found no more freedom from his parents.

When I wanted to enter the Society, the question that my examiner asked me is, “Why I chose SJ, not the other one?” At that time, my answer is that Jesuits look stricter than the others because their two-year novitiate looks so difficult and closed, different from other novitiates. My examiner told me that in the Novitiate I may found such things, but not in the next steps of my formation.

This has become true. During the novitiate, I had to follow the rule, the schedule and the command of my Novice Master. It is like a desert experience, a long-long way to the end of my step. But, it’s a beginning. And the beginning is always the most difficult part. But, I endured my life in the novitiate happily, because it’s my choice. I did find that what my examiner said was true. My novice master was also very strict. The schedule and the formation were very clearly proposed, very massive that I had no more time to relax. I realize that what I had to learn in this Novitiate would be useful in my further step, because in the next step, I would be very free from all schedules, commands and such things in the novitiate.

I feel Neil’s freedom now. I am free from the schedule, from the ringing bell that wakes me up, from the punishment of making mistake and so on. In this juniorate program, I find the liberty and freedom in the Society I had never found before. Now, these all are in my charge; they are my responsibility. In this case, my discernment is challenged. Can I manage one ward and my time so that I can study, pray, recreate and do exercise properly. Can I seize my day? These are the questions for me. I will try to manage my time and my schedule properly, so that I can prove that I really want to be a Jesuit, that I want the Society accept me as part of the companion of Jesus. I won’t kill myself by doing something useless or even making me unable to serve the Lord better.